Dream

I used to not take dreams so seriously and would just ignore them, but now I try to interpret their meaning. I napped today, and the dream I had was weird. It confused me, so I hope it means nothing. If it were to mean something, I'd be mad at myself lol.

Wolfmother made me do it

Half of my summer is gone already. It's been good. I've been taking two classes at LoneStar and that has kept me busy. Not too busy though, I've had plenty of time to relax. I really hope I get to volunteer soon at the hospital. I miss doing community service. It was fun doing it with friends, but I always had a good feeling afterwards for helping people out. Things between my parents and I have been getting a lot better. I'm not sure if I care too much for any of my other extended family. Through the years I've learned not to expect much from them. Not too long ago my mom barely realized that and she took it pretty bad. Family is great at times, but if I were ever in a pickle, I'd think twice before calling one of them. I'd rather call a friend than any of them. I don't hate them, I just stopped expecting anything from them. It's a lot less disappointment I'd have to go through. I will still keep in touch with those that want to. I will help them in their time of need to those that are willing to accept it. I still have some small hope things will get better between me and certain other relatives. I'm not angry anymore for what they did. I'm tired and done being angry. I miss them. I am willing to put it all in the past; I just hope one day they will feel the same way.

Surprises

I never really liked surprises. No need to beat around the bush, just come forward with it. I hate not knowing what the hell is going on, yet being too scared to ask for the truth. Not knowing makes me go ahead and think of what is going on and I create all these scenarios. Some are realistic, but some can be way too far out of the ordinary and impossible. Then when the truth comes out I'm relieved to know the truth or not. And if I'm not its because I had made myself believe something that wasn't true, it was just a crazy scenario I made up to explain for all the uncertainty. So if anyone is actually reading this, don't bullshit people about small crap. Please

Title

I'm just going to close my eyes, and hope to God everything will be okay and everything will work out for the best.

Too much time on my hands

I have lost my focus. I have become concerned over stupid things and ignored what I am supposed to be doing. I lack motivation. The drive to even say the things I wanted to do a year ago is not there anymore. I feel bad in all areas and I'm disappointed with myself. Hopefully starting class again gets me back on track. The fact that I'm making mistakes and not caring most of the time kinda worries me when I really stop and think about it. Eh I really shouldn't have free time on my hands, I think too much.

Happy?

I haven't listened to the song Happy? by Mudvayne in such a long time. I remembered why after listening to it a few times; it makes me think. It was one of my favorite songs back in high school. Ah, some good memories.

I'm probably not the only person, but at times I feel I need a good cry. As emo, or stupid, or funny as that sounds, I am pretty sure someone will be able to relate. I haven't had a good cry in so long. Last time I had one I felt way better afterwards; I felt lighter.

At times I wonder why some people seem to be nice to me, or even still want to talk to me. Perhaps its because they feel they have to, or they really don't have a choice.

I feel pretty dumb here sometimes. Not too sure on what I want right now.

2012, c'mon Let's make it happen. End it.

I hate being in awkward situations. Especially when you don't expect to be in one. At least knowing beforehand I have a clue on what to do or say. Those awkward moments out of the blue haunt me.

Led Zeppelin's music is the only kind that can mellow me out. They're amazing for that. Always brightens my day.

It's like a love/hate thing when someone points out my flaws as a person. I like it because it gives me a chance to look at myself a different way and try to change for the better. However, I hate it because no one likes to be called out on their imperfections. I don't mind it at all when I realize on my own my flaws. It's enlightening.

I would like to drive out in the middle of Texas, to an awesome field and just lay there and contemplate on everythang. Would be nice to have someone do it with me.

Spring Break 2010

A week before spring break I was having a real hard time going to sleep and staying asleep. I had so many thoughts, mainly stuff I had to do. I knew had to get certain things done, but I didn't. And since I didn't do them, I stressed some more and slept less. I wanted to go home and see my family. I had missed them alot more than usual and I guess it's because I wanted to take a break from school. So I left Friday woo!

I can't remember what I did. I know I went to Jenna's house which was cool. I remember my aunt coming over a lot. My mom and her have been talking more which is good for my mom. Her family is dysfunctional and they disown each other every few months or years. Having at least one sibling around is enough for her to feel better. I slept a lot; except for last night. That is only because I was thinking of what I have to do when I get back to Austin. I went to the Muse concert which was insanely badass. :D I bought a shirt woot! I went to the movies to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid. My little cousin read the book and wanted to see it. Val told her she'd take her, so I tagged along. My other cousin Belinda tagged along too. I had a chance to talk to my cousin Lisa who served in the army; her son is beautiful. That kid is sure to break hearts lol. My spring break wouldn't be complete without the awesome drama family causes.

My uncle Robert is quite a character. I had talked to him during Winter break and I mentioned it would be nice to see my cousins. (His daughters and son who I haven't seen in forevaaaa) He told me yea, I'll give you a call.... Now a lot of bull crap happened between that conversation and now. Point is I didn't get to see my cousins because he can't grow a pair and visit.

Today was my last day at home and my aunt came over again. We were all eating and my dad began talking about his childhood. My dad is serious most of the time. When he jokes around or talks about times when he was genuinely happy it's awesome. His face lights up and I can see he really misses those days but is glad he grew up the way he did. He's told me about some hard times, but he always has more good times to talk about. If he had the chance to be born again, he would choose the same life, the same childhood. It was hard, but he says it made him the man he is today and wouldn't trade it for the world. I have said some harsh things about him, to his face at times. I regret that. He is the only person in my life that has never disappointed me. I've been mad at him, but he has never let me down. He has never done anything to make me think less of him.

Five

I'm just going to go through with it. I've been talking about it forever now, so I'm just going to go for it. I hope it turns out how I want it to. I'm going to need some money though. I've been going to work, yay! I hate it when good songs are tied with memories you wish you never made. Ah well, it gives the song a story/meaning behind it. It's almost the weekend! PMG! I disowned my ipod because I don't like itunes. So, I wanted to get a Zune, but that's not going to happen. I'm saving for something else already, and money is tight. In the end, I'm just going to have to use my ipod. I have to create a playlist though. It shall be filled with awesome music. :]

Four

Empty promises. Everyone hates empty promises, but some still manage to make them. As soon as I hear one, I believe it's real. The voice in my head tells me it's not, but I ignore it. Then, in the end, I feel dumb because I fell for it, again. I'll learn, eventually.

Three

It's almost the end of the week. I had planned out a schedule on Monday of things to do for the week. I haven't even done half of the stuff I planned. Procrastination is my hobby. Normally, I wouldn't blame the weather, but today I will. It was raining, it was windy, and it was muggy. I didn't do any homework, which I know is bad. Tomorrow I go home for Houston and it should be a good weekend. My mom is making tortillas de harina, fo sho :D

Two

I can be too trusting to strangers, and have no trust in real friends and family. I either come up short, or go too far. I'm still trying to find my balance. The first few days of class have passed, but I still haven't found my focus or routine yet. I need to get motivated again. I told myself I was going to let things go this year. I had been doing so, but I regressed. I think I have life figured out, but it will always slap me across the face with a reality check...and that's why I keep going. :] Keeps me on my toes

One for 2010

I really thought we were not going to end up like our parents. We were not going to let petty things get to us and ruin our bond. I actually believed (silly me) that we were mature enough to move on and leave the past behind. I believed as a family and mature young adults, we would discuss issues face to face. To my surprise I was completely wrong. I didn't think a new all time low could be set, but damn kid you sure did set one. I was furious. I can honestly say, never in my life have I been this upset and hurt. I was enraged and deeply hurt. I expected so much from you; I have helped you in every way I could.I pushed you to do better with yourself; I believed in you when others didn't. Que poco hombre eres. You did a wrong act towards someone I love. Yes, it is true, but it gave you no right to prove it the way you did. Now, I was ready to do some serious damage, but I'm not. I am not going to stoop down to that level. Unlike you, I was raised better. This issue is not between us, but you can't disrespect people in that manner. Perhaps one day I will forgive you. Not now, it's too soon in my opinion. I do not hate you, but you have disappointed me. If there is still any hope for us to ever talk again, it won't be the same. You're completely right, the apple does not fall far from the tree...because you are exactly like the person you hate the most...your father.

This year I'm glad some people showed their true selves. Now I know who to depend on and who to leave out of my life.

"Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family."

-Wayne W. Dyer